Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Anniversaries

It was June 2, 2007 when I lost LeAnne.  It seems like yesterday, and yet it seems forever ago.  Some years, I remember things with less intensity than I do on other years.  I’m not certain why this year has been so much more intense.  I suppose that there are a number of factors for my feelings.  This year three very good friends of mine have died or lost a spouse very recently.  Also, a local radio personality has been quite open about his sick wife on the air of his radio show.  She has a failing liver and has had many setbacks.  Each time he begins to describe the trouble she is having or the feelings he is going through, I find myself back at the struggles we had throughout LeAnne’s illness and her eventual death.

That being said, I look at my life and I see how happy I have been, I marvel that such a thing is possible.  Though as widows or widowers, we attempt to tell people what it is like to lose a spouse, there is never a way to express even a fraction of what it is like.  I once tried to express it to a friend, who told me to keep looking forward and not look back.  Forget about the past and that I would find happiness that way.

I know he meant well, but that isn’t possible to do.  I try to live in the moment.  I have made plans for the future and I work each day to improve my self and my life each day.  I search for the good things and how I can improve them, and I work to let go of anything negative.  Still, one cannot cut away their past.  It is part of them.  It is what has shaped us and what makes us who they are.  When we do not break, when we overcome those trials, they enrich and strengthen who we are.  They make us more than we were. 

Mostly I remember the good things anyway.  I think we have a tendency to forget the bad things over time.  I think that is a natural phenomenon.  Not only that, but remembering the good and the bad is a good thing.  We come to recognize and appreciate the good, the warm, the tender and pleasant, the happy, the beautiful, the love, and the priceless moments of our lives when we remember the trials that went with those good moments.  Also, we can keep ourselves from making the same mistakes.

I appreciate so much more in life because of those trials.  I find joy in very simple things.  I know from experience that I can find happiness, even in the worst situations.  I know this, because I have experienced it.  It is odd to say that during the most terrible times I have experienced, that I also found the most happiness. 

I have found greater happiness since, but it was because of what I learned during those bleak times.  I’ve learned that happiness is possible in any condition and in any circumstance.  Happiness comes from inside us and not from other sources.  It is true that we might find it easier to be happy when we are in pleasant conditions, when everything seems to be going right in our world.  However, we have all seen people who seem to have it all, and yet they are the most miserable people around. 

I love my life, and though looking back is hard, I thank the Lord each day for the experience and the things I have learned.

So until next time, Jene

1 comment:

  1. Nine years already?! Time flies and yet it seems like it was only a little while ago we went on that trip. Spencer was so little in this picture. What fun memories that trip was, I am so glad I went. I miss her every day! Love you Daddy!!

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