Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Anniversaries

It was June 2, 2007 when I lost LeAnne.  It seems like yesterday, and yet it seems forever ago.  Some years, I remember things with less intensity than I do on other years.  I’m not certain why this year has been so much more intense.  I suppose that there are a number of factors for my feelings.  This year three very good friends of mine have died or lost a spouse very recently.  Also, a local radio personality has been quite open about his sick wife on the air of his radio show.  She has a failing liver and has had many setbacks.  Each time he begins to describe the trouble she is having or the feelings he is going through, I find myself back at the struggles we had throughout LeAnne’s illness and her eventual death.

That being said, I look at my life and I see how happy I have been, I marvel that such a thing is possible.  Though as widows or widowers, we attempt to tell people what it is like to lose a spouse, there is never a way to express even a fraction of what it is like.  I once tried to express it to a friend, who told me to keep looking forward and not look back.  Forget about the past and that I would find happiness that way.

I know he meant well, but that isn’t possible to do.  I try to live in the moment.  I have made plans for the future and I work each day to improve my self and my life each day.  I search for the good things and how I can improve them, and I work to let go of anything negative.  Still, one cannot cut away their past.  It is part of them.  It is what has shaped us and what makes us who they are.  When we do not break, when we overcome those trials, they enrich and strengthen who we are.  They make us more than we were. 

Mostly I remember the good things anyway.  I think we have a tendency to forget the bad things over time.  I think that is a natural phenomenon.  Not only that, but remembering the good and the bad is a good thing.  We come to recognize and appreciate the good, the warm, the tender and pleasant, the happy, the beautiful, the love, and the priceless moments of our lives when we remember the trials that went with those good moments.  Also, we can keep ourselves from making the same mistakes.

I appreciate so much more in life because of those trials.  I find joy in very simple things.  I know from experience that I can find happiness, even in the worst situations.  I know this, because I have experienced it.  It is odd to say that during the most terrible times I have experienced, that I also found the most happiness. 

I have found greater happiness since, but it was because of what I learned during those bleak times.  I’ve learned that happiness is possible in any condition and in any circumstance.  Happiness comes from inside us and not from other sources.  It is true that we might find it easier to be happy when we are in pleasant conditions, when everything seems to be going right in our world.  However, we have all seen people who seem to have it all, and yet they are the most miserable people around. 

I love my life, and though looking back is hard, I thank the Lord each day for the experience and the things I have learned.

So until next time, Jene

Friday, May 27, 2016

Summer Life

Apricots, not Grapes! The whole tree!  http://copingjene.blogspot.com/

It seems impossible that yet another year has passed.  Summers and Christmas seem to be the markers of years passing that I pay attention to.  It seems to me that with both, even though I know they are coming, they spring on me as if they had dropped out of an unseen airplane and suddenly landed next to me.

I always look forward to summer.  The fruit is on and it seems most of the pleasant memory makers are too.  I’m glad to see another summer, even though it also reminds me that I am probably coming to the end of the summer in my life.  Summers remind me that life goes on.  It also reminds me, that most of life is warm and inviting.  No matter how long winter seems to last, summer eventually comes and life seems wonderful.

I hope your summer is great.  Well, it’s time to get back to my fruit.  My apricots are one I that truly enjoy, and you would not believe how many I have already eaten.  Between the dog and I, we must have already eaten more than all the other apricots we have gotten from that tree in all the years past combined.  I think the dog has slowed down a bit, but I’m still eating all I can.

I love it. 


Until next time, Jene.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Tender Reminders

My wife and I were at a movie the other day.  It was a movie that we enjoyed very much.  It was based on a true story.  There were many touching scenes.  However, near the end of the movie, a very troubling scene came, where we watched in horror as the husband was killed in an accident.  We had not been prepared for that.  I could tell that my wife also took a gasping breath.  We were holding hands at the time.  Our grip tightened.  We sat white knuckled after that, as the movie played out, in a very mild way, what the new widow and her family were experiencing in the aftermath.

I was very troubled by how the film made me feel.  It brought everything back as though it was yesterday.  Even though the story being portrayed was not how I lost my wife, it took me back to that moment once more.  It also brought back all the fears and stress that I felt back then.  It took several moments before I could breathe relaxed again.  After we left the theater, my wife and I talked about it.  I knew that she had been as affected as I had been.  Her husband had also died of cancer.  Our shared experience has given both of us insights into how we each have felt over the years we’ve been together.  I was glad that she understood my feelings so well. 

The memory of the feelings I had from watching the film stayed with me through the following day, but it made me grateful for this woman I found to share my life with.  Today I find myself grateful for life, for family, and for love.  I am especially grateful for the experiences that have given me the greater appreciation for what is truly important.  God, family and friends out weigh anything else about this life.


Thanks Deb, for love and a more meaningful life.  Thank you family and friends for your love and support.

Until next time, Jene