Instant Memories

Two weeks ago, a young boy just 4 years old died of pneumonia.  He was an extended family member to a couple of families who are friends of ours.  As they described the young boy’s suffering, unexpectedly it took me back to that evening nearly seven years ago when I lost my wife.

I was rather shocked at how clearly and detailed I could remember that evening of loss.  I thought because it had been seven years ago, that things like this young boy’s passing, though very sad, wouldn’t instantly put me right back at the bedside of my suffering wife and the children who so desperately wanted her to remain with us.  It was as if I was reliving the whole experience once more.  I tried to remain silent as my friend described the scene of their loss.

Fortunately, enough time had passed and I had learned to deal with the loss well enough that the melancholy that had overshadowed me did not last.  Still, I was affected.  It occurs to me that we are never really over a loss like that, but we do learn to deal with it. 

The evening they shared their experience, I went home and listened to Christmas music and wrote a few letters.  The next day I spoke briefly about it with my wife, who has also lost a husband to cancer.  She understood my feelings about what had happened. 

I wasn’t about to tell my friends that I knew what they were going through, because I don’t.  Just like they have no idea about the experiences I had when I suffered my loss.  All I could do was to silently listen and offer my support afterward.  I remember the many who had lost significant people in their lives doing the same for me.  Until we go through such an experience, it is easy to assume that we can imagine what it would feel like to suffer that kind of loss.  From experience, there is no way.  Not only is every situation different, but each person is different.  We all handle things differently also.

For those of us who have lost, who are brought back to those memories through the experiences of others, all I can say is, take a breath and do what we can to remember the good things.  Then, like we do each day, press on the best we can while trying to find the good around us.  Each day is ours to make our lives better.

I am glad that I have such a good support system in place.  I lean heavily upon my wife.  We have learned to comfort and support each other during these times of remembrances.  I hope you have loved ones close for you also.  Friends and family can ease those moments of pain.  I also work to use this season of celebration to remember the special times and I also work to cheer others.  That also seems to help me.

Until next time.
Jene 

I don’t normally do this with this blog, but I thought I would share a bit of humor with you this time.  Enjoy your Thanksgiving.

Hi, my name’s RD, and I’ve got all the advice you’re ever going to need about The Perfect Thanksgiving Dinner!

Holy cow!  What a day it’s been around here today.  I don’t think I’ve ever had a Thanksgiving like this one.  A few years ago I tried to make turkey dinner for the family, but it turned out that the food was spoiled, and couldn’t be eaten.  Well, there is a famous saying that goes, if you fall off a horse, you should tranquilize it and it won’t buck you off again.  So I thought I would give it another chance.  I wasn’t going to, because of the curing I had to get last time, but when the Mrs. took sick, and I found out the mother-in-law was having to come to care for her, I couldn’t ask the older woman to see to our dinner. 

As soon as Dorothy and Henry got there, I could see that he had been half starved to death.  He was also asking to see my workshop.  How could I refuse?  I gave him the grand tour of the place.  I could see that he was truly impressed.  He kept raising his eyebrows.  He even coughed when I showed him my fishing supplies.  He kept looking at the four cases of dynamite, and I was suddenly embarrassed that I had so little left.  After our tour, I heard the Mrs. say that she couldn’t possibly eat.  She said that nothing sounded good to her. 

Well I knew my duty, and I knew what would put that kind of talk silent.  I knew we would all be especially hungry.  After all, it was Thanksgiving.  I knew the Mrs. would be starved anyway.  She hadn’t eaten for two days.  So Henry and I went out shopping.  We got half dozen turkeys, some cases of dressing, and cases of gravy and a pickup load of potatoes, and we put the son and the grand kids to work peeling potatoes.  Henry and I began mixing stuff.  I let him do most of that, it made him happy.  In the meantime, I got the old bathtub propped up over a good blazing fire over the grease pit, and began to pour the water and potatoes into it. 

Before long, the whole neighborhood was smothered in the smell of food cooking.  The neighbor thought we had a swimming pool, and brought his hose with the water running.  I had to disappoint him on that matter.  It was Thanksgiving, so we invited him and his family, along with the neighbors on the other side of us, who were yelling, hoping not to be left out.  Before long, I was starting to wonder if we had gotten enough food.  Several other neighbors had come over, along with the fire department, and a few police officers.  (They must not get a lot of dinner offers, and I hated to see them go hungry, on Thanksgiving of all days.)

Well, we were doing just fine, until the bottom of the bathtub melted out, and doused the fire with water from the potatoes.  I never knew that fire could float before, but it does.  I know because I saw it.  It floated over to the neighbor’s house, and to the fire engine, and to the four police cars too.  It floated down the street, to the apple orchard, and down to the pumpkin patch.  Everyone started to scatter quickly.  I think they were all worried about missing out on the baked apples down the street.  By the time the food was done, everyone was back.  We dug out a few boards and bricks, and made five or six picnic tables, and everyone settled down and ate, as they watched the floating fire continue to burn.  Even the Mrs. came out to eat and watch.  She didn’t act like she was hungry, but she was eating anyway.

The whole thing was nearly perfect, dinner, a show, and lots of friends, and guests to share it with, but I had no idea just how much better it could be.  Someone from over the back fence got bored.  They climbed over the fence, and began to scream at the fire, and squirted it with the neighbor’s hose, and the fire began to float back into the back of the shop.  Well, when it hit the fishing tackle, boy oh boy, things began to pop then. 

When the dynamite went up it was spectacular.  Suddenly the back of the shop was on the roof of the neighbor’s house, and the sparks and flame gave us all a really good show.  It made me feel good when the neighbor remarked that it was the most spectacular thing he had ever lived through.  He claimed that living next to me and being able to say that he had lived through it, was saying a lot.  My head was so swollen from all that praise that I could barely contain myself.
 
The fire chief agreed and added that in his thirty years of fire fighting, he had never seen anything quite like it.  He was amazed that there had only been three homes, and seven cars destroyed in the blaze, and could hardly wait to get the other engine there.  I wasn’t certain how that would make any difference to the food, or the light show, but I wasn’t going to argue with a man who had such glowing opinions of me.
My other next door neighbor said he would never forget that thanksgiving for the rest of his life.  He claimed to have the whole thing on video.  Even I was amazed at how good it was as I watched it play out over the internet.  It brought a tear to my eye, when the son said, “Something like this could only be done by my dad.”
 
It only took a couple of bulldozers and a few dump trucks about four hours to clean up what was left.  Dorothy seemed to be the only one who didn’t enjoy every moment of it.  She told Henry that he should have done something.  When I tried to explain that he had helped me immensely.  He kept telling everyone that he hadn’t done a thing.  He is always so polite, and humble. 

When it was all done, the police officer told me that I had really outdone myself that time, and gave me a set of bracelets to wear for a while, along with a ride down town.  He let me pay for all the fun I had had and he was going to send me to some camp, where I could pass on all my knowledge.  When I mentioned that I could teach them that much and a great deal more, they thought the boys there probably knew enough already, and didn’t want them to know anymore.  So they sent me back home.  I thought that it was too bad that I wouldn’t be sharing my vast knowledge, but then, I hadn’t had any baked apples yet, and I figured the pumpkins should have been done by then too.  Yes, what a day?

So take my advice, really go all out for Thanksgiving this year.  Invite the neighborhood, invite all your public servants, in fact you might as well invite the whole town.  As soon as they see your neighbors house flaming up in celebration, they’ll be over anyway.  You should just invite them, and they won’t have to wait for an excuse.  What a perfect day. 
                                       

© Copyright 2007 by Jene Beal
All Rights Reserved

Holiday Blues

    The holidays are here again.  Thanksgiving marks the beginning of what most of us think of as the warmest time of the year.  The temperature outside can dip, but the internal warming that we experience, seems to radiate stronger during this time of year.  This warming comes from the relationships we have with family and friends.  It is a special time when we can gather as families and renew those loving feelings we have for each other.
However, for some of us, the holidays can be a bitter-sweet experience.  We notice the loss of our loved ones more profoundly during these times, because those we miss would be a large part of our holiday experience.  The worst feelings of loss can be felt during those quiet moments when memories of past holidays unavoidably present themselves as we listen to music, look at the decorations, eat the food and notice our other loved ones who are visiting. 
We don’t have to turn these memories into something bad. I know first hand, that we can be saddened even by what should be pleasant memories.  Some memories are sought after just to keep us sane. 
As for myself, I love to remember all of those important moments of the past, even what some would call the bad times.  It helps remind me about the blessings I have received.  I love to feel the warmth of the season and the feelings that it gives me to remember.  What I hate is the emptiness that comes from missing the ones who are no longer there.
I have found that it helps me when I focus on those special people who are still here.  It doesn’t drive that emptiness completely away, but it helps to fill my heart with love for more of those who are important to me.  That alone seems to get me through the holidays and still helps me feel connected to the holiday.  Without those feelings of love, the holidays would feel flat and lifeless.  Then, it would be easy to forget, that this part of the year is anything more than just colder.
It might be true that the holidays create the most feelings of depression than any other time of the year.  I suppose it is the time of year when we focus upon our feelings more.  I suppose we notice our loneliness more during this time of year.  We might be noticing our failings more as well among the other problems in our lives.  Regardless of our reasons of malaise, some find more pain than joy within this time of year.
To battle the emptiness of any situation, I have found that the more I am involved in something, the more happy and more upbeat I become about it.  If I will force myself into the season and I make myself busy serving people, going to programs, watching related movies, listening to music, decorating, trying to surprise or do something special for my loved ones, or even write a story about the season, I feel much better.  The missing of loved ones never goes away, but the creation of new memories for the future and the living in the “here and now,” soon overpowers the emptiness I feel.

I am so grateful for Debbie and my children and grandchildren for helping me remember how fun and wonderful this time of year can really be.  Though I am never out of touch with the loss of LeAnne, I am not crippled from it, and I do look forward to the holiday season.  It wasn't always so.

So for this Thanksgiving holiday, I’ll eat heartily, hug my loved ones, and let myself remember the good times, all while working hard to create better memories for next year.  If this next year follows the pattern of the years before, next year will be even shorter.  So it will be less time until we have to be involved in the holidays again next year.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  Now where’s the turkey?
Until next time,
Jene

Photo Magic

I was going through a bunch of photos, thinking that I might share a few on my other Blog.  I came across a few older pictures of family members we took on different occasions through the years.  They made me smile and though there were a few feelings of longing for those times once again, the whole experience helped me feel grateful that we can’t go back.

It wasn’t that things weren’t pleasant back then.  It was the thought that if we could simply step back into time, we just might.  We would deprive ourselves of precious moments now.  We would exchange this time to relive experiences that we remember fondly.  Those times can be relived briefly already by glancing through photos and remembering what it was like then.

Many times what we fail to remember is if we had the power back then, we would have probably gone back to an even earlier date, thinking that those days were more pleasant and warm to us.  I began to think that I would not want to pass up on the warm and pleasant times that will occasionally come into our lives now, that later we will wish we could return to.

Yes, photos are very powerful and wonderful things.  However, this is our time and this is our experience.  We should make it the kind of experience that we would want to return to.  We should make every moment that precious.  Yes, it was a fun time to hug those little ones, but not so fun to clean up after them.  It was fun to see all those memories exposed in the photos, but nothing can replace the feelings we might miss if we cut ourselves off from the precious times now.

I hope the day is bright and the future is warm and inviting.  If not, let’s take ten minutes or so to wander down memory-lane with a few photos. Then let’s get to work to make better memories for the future.

Until next time, Jene.

Strength of Family

Other than God, of all the help’s that I’ve found for the woes of my life, family is by far the most helpful. There is nothing as real to us than a family relationship.  The influence of our family can be either for good or for evil.  I grew up in a loving family and it served as a great template for me as I helped to raise my own family.  I learned a lot as a sibling.

Many of the lessons, that I learned as a youth, have been more helpful as I have grown older.  Some of those lessons I was able to figure out at the time, however, many of those lessons, I didn’t even realize that I had learned, until much later.  It is amazing how many times my parents would try to teach me something that I was not receptive to at the time.  It wasn’t until I had my own family, until I understood and finally put those lessons into practice.  It helps me realize that Mom and Dad might not have been super wise, but they might have made the same mistakes when they were young.

Of course, some of my children have been as hard headed as I was.  They too have had to learn those same lessons the hard way.  As flawed as we all are as family members, we can be good for each other.  It is one of the most important things that I have learned.  Everyone needs support.  A family can play a major roll in the support that we need, when things are not going well.  Having someone to talk to, or to ask advice, can help to keep us sane.

It is a good idea, if your family is somewhat functional, to keep or renew that relationship.  Whether that is the family you grew up in, or the family that you helped to create.  Family can be the greatest help to us. They provide a way to give and receive service and sacrifice.  These are ingredients that can give the greatest relief to our daily problems.


I hope your family is a help to you.
Until next time, Jene

The Power of Projects

 

I’ve learned that there is power in having a project.  A project can keep us active.  It gives us a specific goal to work toward.  We gain satisfaction once the thing is done and we can do something different all the time.  

My little project was one of those, “build it in a day,” kind of project.  The problem is, the designer of the project is probably one of those 20 something characters.   Of course I knew I wasn’t going to build it in a day.  I figured two. 

 

Being a young man of mind and an old man of body, it took me two weeks to accomplish.  Still, after two weeks of doing a little each day, I finally got it done.

 

 As I think about it now, it’s probably a good thing that I didn’t accomplish it any faster, I figure I only have so many projects in these bones, and I wouldn’t want to run out of projects too quickly.  So here is sort of a step by step of the process.

Now that it’s done, I am already looking forward to the next project. 

No, not that one.  That is more project than I have in me for now.  For that project, first I would have to build a house, then I would need to build a guest house, then I would need to build a bunk house behind the guest house to put it in.  So, that particular project is much further down the road.

This is more like what I had in mind next.

So I hope you are all figuring out your next project, whether that is building the bunk in the bunk house behind the guest house behind the house, or whether that is putting a vacancy sign over the homemade bird's nest, keep those projects going.  After all, projects keep us alive and kicking, cutting, scratching and cussing.

Find a project!

Jene

 

Passion Therapy

One important lesson I learned quite early in life, and was soundly reinforced while learning to cope with the loss of a spouse, was finding a new passion for life.  LeAnne was a good teacher of this principle.  I’ve learned that life has no meaning at all, unless I also have a passion to give me purpose for that life.  It becomes even more important to me when my passion benefits someone else.  A passion is something that drives us.  It has to be something strong enough to get us out of bed in the morning, no matter what the weather or our state of mind at the moment.  LeAnne’s passion was her family, friends and people in need.  Her passion for others kept her going, no matter what the obstacle.

I’ve always admired that in her and I’ve always strived to be better at that myself.  Finding something worth being passionate about is not terribly hard.  We all have an inkling of what drives us.  I think that is something that is innate in all of us.  We all have that something special about us.  Some people call this part of us, “talents.”  Others might call it something else.  Though I am re-learning this kind of thing later in life than I would have liked, I am glad that I finally get it once more.

Perhaps we don’t recognize this special thing about ourselves.  Others have probably noticed it.  I noticed special things about my children as they grew and became adults, even though they didn’t seem to notice them.  These things are only part of what gives us joy to see our children mature.  Still, like our children, we do not know ourselves enough to say that we have discovered all of our passions yet.  I believe we will still be discovering these passions after we leave this life.  Perhaps one day, I will learn to play the piano and find a passion for it too.  It seems to me, we find purpose in these passions.  We will find purpose in life by sharing that special part of us.  Purpose will aid us to find happiness.

Since pondering these thoughts over the past few years, I’ve been more mindful of others around me.  I’ve seen that my wife Deb has also learned to have new or renewed passions for things in her life.  It is fascinating to watch her always trying new things.  I have been inspired by her tenacity.  When she gets it in her head to do some thing she has never done before, she will find a way to do it.  There are things she has done that haven’t been as successful as she had wanted, but the most important and the most influential part to me, was that she had the courage to do it in the first place.  She does it no matter the consequence.  Many of us lack the courage to get that far.

This adage that says “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” is completely false.  I know, because I have more than 40 years of bad habits in writing that I am breaking.  I am learning a new way.  From these realizations, I am learning to be a kid again.  I am rekindling a desire to learn and explore.  I am learning all over again that it is okay to fail, as long as I learn from it and I keep going.  I am learning to have new dreams of the future and to create new maps to take me there.  I’m not trying to be a kid again, but I am trying to improve and have a stronger purpose in life.  With every new purpose, I find that there are a lot of road blocks and obstacles to cross.  Everything meaningful always comes with opposition.  It is the nature of good and evil.  It is also the nature of learning.

I’m reminded of something that my grandfather once said.  We were working on his farm.  We were hauling hay and it was starting to rain.  I think we all knew that if we didn’t get the hay hauled, Grandpa might have to haul it himself.  We wanted to run for the house.  Grandpa shouted out “It looks like we’re going to get wet before we get done.”  The statement was true, but only if we stayed and finished the job.  It occurred to me that I had been wet before.  I had been muddy before.  It wasn’t so bad.  It made things harder by times, but I had survived it.  We stayed and finished our load, but that was all we did.  By the time we finally got the load on, the field got too wet to drive through.  We were lucky to get the truck and our load out.  To me the important lesson in the field, was that we didn’t just give up because we had a little opposition. 

For Grandpa, at the time, the hay was important.  To me, at the time, my grandfather was important.  For others it might have been something different.  Whatever keeps us going, keeps our attention and inspires us to action, is what we need to find.  I write.  Someone else plays the organ.  Someone else sews.  Others are passionately trying to keep up with their children.  As long as our passions give us purpose for life, then they will help us through difficult times.

I hope these thoughts help.

Until my next post,

 Jene

Music Medicine

During the hard seasons of mourning, as well as times of fog and this time of new growth that I am presently in, I have found that music has played a big part in much of my progress.  Music has been useful to help lift me up, calm my heart, build me up and spur me forward. 

Many studies have been made about music and the influence it has upon us.  Hollywood has utilized it to manipulate our emotions, to help with the impact of the scene on the screen.  Others have found music to have a direct relationship between the way people will react within their everyday lives.  Music has inspired our feelings in ways to put us in particular ways of thinking.  There is a reason for so called “elevator music” in the elevator and in department stores.  They want us to be calm and indifferent to the passage of time.  Marching music and tunes with a stirring beat at athletic events are meant to get our blood pumping and put us in the mood for action. 

I’ve learned to use that to help me.  I listen to music that will help to put me into the mood for the results that I want.  When I have moments of melancholy, and I want to get an instant lift, I find some rousing uplifting music to help me get there.  When I need inspiration for a love story, I find that kind of music.  When I want action, if find action music.  It doesn’t always work for me, but most times it does. 

Music isn’t very time consuming, because we can listen to it, while we do other things.  With today’s technology, it is easy to get the kind of music, even the very song we want within a few seconds. 

Whatever your tastes are, or the kinds of music that will keep you going, I hope you can find some that will keep you smiling.

I hope some of these thoughts help.

Until next time,

Jene

New Skills

Before

In the past few years, I have learned that coping is more than just enduring.  Coping also means to actively do something about the situation.  During this time of “coping,” I have that found there are a number of ways to do something about my situation.  I’ve learned that some methods of “coping,” have been detrimental to my healing process. 

I have found that activities that kept me from doing positive things, which I could feel good about, were activities that would be better for me to leave alone.  Not only would it not help, but it would actually create new trouble for me to deal with.

I found that the most effective and most helpful activities were learning new skills, or improving upon current skills.  Skills are the ability to use knowledge to do a task.  The key word in that sentence is “do.”  Doing requires the use of mind and body.

Learning a new skill, was not only engaging my mind, but also forcing me to be doing something.  Reading, watching movies, or other such activities alone seemed to wear me out.  My motivation to do anything new was completely flattened when I was finished with those activities, I still had all my other problems to deal with.  But learning a new skill not only got something done that I couldn’t do before, but it also seemed to make me a better more complete person.  It was fun to learn and it was satisfying to know that I was more than I had been.  It also seemed to motivate me to do the other things that I knew I should be doing.  This also reduced a lot of stress.  It has also been something that has brought Deb and I closer.  The photos speak for themselves.

After

One of the skills that I have been working on, is screen writing.  Though I am using a lot of the same skills as I had before, it has many new elements to it that are completely different from writing novels.  When I am writing on a screenplay, I still have to use the skills learned to write a book, but I have to do it in a way that is completely different.  Still, I have found that the skills I have learned screen writing has made me a much better novelist.  Those new skills give me a new excitement for any kind of writing.  I look forward to finishing the book I’m on, so I can get started on my next one.  Those feelings of accomplishment, also continues to motivate me to go after other projects.

There are other skills I am learning and I’ve found that the same lessons apply.  Each new skill has given me confidence and a new appreciation for the new person I am becoming.  They also motivate me to do more.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to you.

Until next time,

Jene

Half of Me

I’ve already mentioned this earlier, but I thought I would go into more detail.  When I lost my wife, I seemed to lose my own identity.  I no longer knew who I was.  It seems that when we become one with another person, we become a new person.  It is not an instant change.  We grow into these new personas over time. 

We don’t realize just how connected our identity is with our spouse, until suddenly they are not there.  It is like, in the instant we realize that our other half is gone, we are almost completely lost.  It isn’t just the mourning process.  It is the fact that quite literally, part of us is missing.  When we no longer have that oneness with us, we are simply no longer the same person we had been.  Without that connection, part of the personality that we developed in order to be with that person is gone.

I cannot describe well enough how dramatic this feeling is.  It is like suddenly being a bunch of paint in a pile on the canvas, instead of a clearly defined picture.  The ingredients may all still be there, but the application of those ingredients is completely different. 

When I found myself in this mess, it took a while to figure out why I was feeling so lost.  After figuring it out, it took more time to figure out who I was when I was not with her.  I had to redefine myself.  I had to figure out where I wanted to take my life and what I wanted to get out of it.

It was like starting life from scratch.  I felt the same as I did when I was a kid about to start college, while trying to decide what I should study and what kind of profession I should pursue.

Figuring out who I was and where I wanted to take my life, took a few months to do.  Once that was tentatively decided upon, I had to set goals.  Through the process of setting goals, (the things I truly wanted to do) I began to realize that I would become a better person, but not solely because I had set goals.  I would be different from who I was as a kid, and different from when I was with LeAnne. 

Moreover, I am married to another wonderful woman.  Debbie is helping to shape me, just as LeAnne did.  No doubt we will merge and become more than we have each been before.  She will affect me in ways that will improve me, as I reach for the goals that I have set for myself and she will also change.  She has many great qualities that I know will help inspire and influence many of my decisions.  Her excellent qualities will influence my life to be better in those areas.

Life is made up of a long chain of choice and consequences.  Normally when we make wise decisions, the consequences are good.  Since she has strong values and different approach to life, I can hardly help but enrich my life as I begin to meld my life with hers.

I guess the lesson here is, alone we are only so much.  When we are with someone for a long period of time, I am who I am, she is who she is, and together we are each much more.  There is an idiom that says “two heads are better than one.”  Steven Covey calls this Cinergy.  The sum of the individuals, become more than when they are separate.  One, plus one, equals three.

It is the same as the example of my friends that I spoke of before, (however, friends will never make as much difference as a spouse).

It seems to be a fact of life, when we alone, we are sad, lonely and only who we are when we are single.  When we are with someone, (friends or a spouse), we both find more purpose, happiness, and we are more than we have been.  We are us, plus so much more.

I hope these thoughts make sense and are helpful.

Until next time,

Jene

Friends

I have always been a shy person.  When I was young, I was so shy that unless people spoke to me, I didn’t talk to anyone.  It would usually take several months for me to warm up enough to speak at all.  As I got older, it became a problem.  I was too shy to ask questions in class, and I would avoid any new situation, which often limited me in every aspect of life.

Later in high school, I started palling around with a group of other guys with similar values.  A couple of these guys invited me to go to a movie with them.  I gave them a number of reasons why I couldn’t, but one of them would not take no for an answer.  They showed up at my house to get me, just as I was coming in from milking the cow.  It was during the winter, and if you know anything about cows, they will find the muckiest places to ly down.  Things get pretty mucky in the winter.  Washing the cows clean enough to milk them is hard work.

Needless to say, when I came in from milking, I was pretty messy.  I was pretty embarrassed.  Again I told them that I couldn’t go.  They stayed and waited while I rushed to shower and got ready to go anyway.  I don’t remember what movie it was, but I remember how I felt when they were so intent on including me.

After that, we did most everything together.  We (this whole group) became true friends.  In later years, we have each voiced how we each had worked hard to improve ourselves and do greater things, because we did not want to disappoint the others.  To me, these men saved my life in many different ways.  I have always been grateful for their efforts.  On the other hand, they have voiced the same to me.  I had no idea that I had influenced their lives as much as they had mine.

During these last 7 years, I have used that lesson to try to lift others.  I have not been disappointed at the outcome of any of the efforts I have made.  In lifting others, I find I cannot help but be lifted myself.  Just as I benefitted from the association with my friends, they too benefitted from associating with me.  It seems an eternal truth, we cannot serve someone else, without benefitting from it also.

I hope this thought will help to lift you.

Until my next post,

Jene

The Hermit

Soon after losing my spouse, I felt like hiding out.  I didn’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone, or listen to anyone.  I just wanted to be left alone.  There were several problems with my feelings.  I still had a young son at home, I had a business to run and I had other responsibilities.  Most people at the time seemed to understand that I might want to step back and take some time away.  It made it easy to drop out of my regular activities. 
On the other hand, as I said, I had responsibilities and I knew that I couldn’t let people down.  I had learned by painful experience that in life, if you really want something, there are things that just have to be done, even when we don’t want to do them.
When I was young, my family drank a lot of milk.  We had a couple of cows that supplied that milk.  I and my brothers were responsible for the cows.  My parents had taught me, that cows get milked even when it snows, blows and freezes outside.  They get milked, even when there are things more fun to do.  They get milked, even when we are feeling sick.  Of course these are not the only lessons that my parents taught me in this regard, but this was one of those lessons that stuck with me.
In my business pursuits, I had learned to deal with irate customers, working long hours, do jobs I hated, even when I had planned family vacations or other things that I would have preferred to have been doing while being self employed.
So, when I felt like disappearing into the woodwork because of my loss, true to the things I had been taught, I forced myself to keep doing.  At first I was just going through the motions, because I knew I should be doing it.  Then, because I kept doing it, I began to find that it wasn’t quite as hard as it had been.  Gradually, I began not to mind doing it.  Finally I even began to enjoy things again.  It took a long time to get that far, but once again I learned an important lesson.  I learned that getting something worthwhile, requires hard work and sometimes gut wrenching endurance.
This lesson is one that I have had to learn time and time again.  I’m just glad that the Lord hasn’t given up on me, though I think, I hope that He believes that I finally get that lesson, so we don’t have to repeat it too many more times.
If you are experiencing the same feelings I did, I hope you will find your way back easier.  If not, I hope these thought will help.

Until the next post,

Jene

Dog Care

Shortly after I married Debbie, I was still somewhat lost in a fog.  Deb had a golden retriever, and was putting in a lot of time in at work at her job in California.  I was still trying to sell my part of the business in Utah, so we were living apart.  She asked me to take her dog so he would get some attention.  The dog was a bit of a struggle for me at first.  He loved to go outside, but he wanted to be indoors a lot also.  His hair was a real problem.  My son and I were not use to having an indoor pet. 

At first it was bothersome to me when I would try to write, because the dog would come and lay on my feet.  He had the whole house to settle in, but he was insistent.  He seemed more comfortable covering my feet than anywhere else.  It didn’t matter what room I was in.  It didn’t take long before the dog laying on me feet became the norm for both of us.  It became comfortable to me.

He was a funny dog.  We soon found that if we lined a couple of 5 gallon water bottles up, we could fence him off from parts of the house that we didn’t want him to go.  He could easily squeeze past them, or jump over them, but he wouldn’t.  He was also a fruit nut.  I think he thought he was human.  If I ate something, he thought he should.  I would never feed him from the table.  I would always feed him the dog food except for the fruit.  Bananas and strawberries were his favorites.  I don’t know if those kinds of things are good for dogs or not, but he would go nuts to get them.

My son warmed to him and had fun with him also.  The dog was especially fun in the snow.  He loved it.  He would play all kinds of games in the snow.  However, letting him play in the snow had its price.  He would get wet.  That fact never seemed to bother him when I would try to write.  He would still come and lay on my feet, wet hair and all. 

As much as I complained about the stuff I didn’t like about him over the 5 years I had been around him, like the hair everywhere, the holes he dug everywhere, and the monstrous piles he left in the yard, etc. etc. etc., when he came up missing last year at Christmas time, I actually missed him very much.  (However, I didn’t miss the hair, the holes everywhere, or cleaning up his many messes.)

As I’ve thought about it, Reilly was a good companion.  He helped to dull the edge of loneliness and it helped to have a constant friend.  Since that experience I have seen several reports on how dogs help people, who are dealing with traumatic experiences.  I truly believe it.  I think they have a sense of our emotional states, and they really do have a calming effect.  Grand children have the same kind of effect upon me.

If you find yourself in a fog, you might try getting a dog.  Just be prepared for all the work and extra things that you will have to deal with.

Until the next time

Jene

Dealing With Discouragement

Near the beginning of our experience with LeAnne’s illness, we listened to a talk that gave us strength and courage.  There were a number of those kinds of talks given later, and each one was a strength to me.  However, this one was the first to resonate, and is still one I use to help me deal with things.  I suppose that you would say that it is a single arrow in a very full quiver that has helped me find happiness and meaning.

We all need help when we are faced with a traumatic experience like losing a spouse or someone significant in our lives.  One of the regrets that I have had since losing LeAnne, is the fact that I didn’t take my younger children and seek counseling together.  At the time, I thought we were okay.  I thought I was okay.

Though my youngest was only 11 at the time, he seemed to be a pillar of strength.  In truth, I suppose he was.  Yet, I don’t think that he was as strong as I imagined.  He was young and needed more support that I could give him.  He was not the only one who could have used help.  I can see that fact quite plainly now, but at the time, everyone seemed to be dealing with it well, and I was blinded by the fog of my own situation.

Fortunately, my son seems well adjusted, and though he has had many trials in his young life, he has grown to be a very fine young man.  Just as my daughters have grown to be fine young women.  They have all grown stronger over time.  We have all found our sources of comfort and strength.  I believe we have all found strength through God.

Here is a link to the talk that first seemed to prick my heart to give me comfort and strength.  I hope it will help you too.

www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/10/overcoming-discouragement

Jene

Acts of Service - Cookie Night

I had a few thoughts while talking with one of my daughters on the phone today. 

I was remembering back during those early days after losing LeAnne.  I remember the thick fog that seemed to cover my mind and the sleepless nights that I experienced.  I remember wondering if that was the way it would always be.  Then I listened to the ever quotable Neal A. Maxwell, who said that service was the key to lifting ones burdens.  At the time, I was ready to try anything that might help.

I searched for ways to serve, doing something that I knew I could do, under the load I felt I was under.  I thought about my married children.  I thought how difficult it might be for them to have a night to go out, without worrying about their little ones.  I wasn’t certain that I wanted to tend them. 

Just one of them could be a handful, but at the time, there were 4 living in the area.  I pondered it for a few days.  I decided that I would do it.  So I invited all the grand children to the house for cookie night.  I had excited little kids coming to grandpa’s house to bake cookies.  My son was not as enthused about it as I was trying to be.

When they came, I was suddenly afraid that I wouldn’t be able to do it.  Nevertheless, we did it.  We stirred up the dough and let the kids drop it out on the pans.  Some of the cookies were massive, and others were barely crumb sized.  We baked the cookies and watched videos.  They seemed to have a great time.  Even my son didn’t seem to dislike it all that much.  He actually seemed to have fun.

I don’t know if they really enjoyed it or not, but I know that it meant the world to me.  It took most of the night after they left to clean up, but I was suddenly looking forward to the next cookie night.  What a precious moment to have those little ones close to me, and to feel their bright spirits in my home. 

I learned that service truly does lighten the load.  It lifts the heart and just helps to make you feel good.  Besides brightening my day, it seemed to do the same for my grandchildren as well as my married daughters.  Yes, it will always be a precious memory for me.

The News

I awakened to another push on my shoulder. 
“Wake up,” she said softly.
I tried to open my stubborn eyes.  “What’s wrong?” I quizzed, sliding out of bed.  I had often tried to help with our new infant son.  I thought this was the reason she had awakened me.  I rushed to dress.
“Jene, I think I have a lump,” she said flatly.
For the life of me, I couldn’t comprehend what she was saying, or why she should wake me. 
“You can have my side of the bed,” I muttered, and was trying to get back in.
“No, I think I have a lump in my breast,” she sounded quite concerned.
I was suddenly awake.  I could tell by her voice that this was something that must have bothered her for more than just that night.  My mind filled with a little bit of fear, but then I easily shrugged it off.  It had only been a month since she was pregnant with our son and she had often had emotional fears during that time.  I thought this might have been left over hormones.
“I think there’s something wrong.”  Her voice told me that we were not going to sleep for a while. 
Then she took hold of a couple of my fingers and guided then to the place.  At first I felt nothing out of the ordinary.  Then it was very evident.  There was a lump less than half an inch from the nipple.  I told myself it was nothing.  It had to be nothing.  Things like that do not happen to people I know.  It certainly doesn’t happen to my wife.  It couldn’t happen.
“The lump has been there for probably a year,” she said.  “I was hoping that it was because I was pregnant.  It hurts to nurse.  I think it’s...serious.”
“Let’s make an appointment with the doctor and make certain that everything is okay then,” I suggested in order to keep from thinking about it anymore.
LeAnne had always been into doing things using natural means.  More often than not, we were doing things that I didn’t understand, or believe would help.  But somehow they would, and I would be convinced that there had never been anything wrong in the first place.  I assumed that she would seek out a natural remedy.  Normally, I would be the one between the two of us who would run to the doctor.
“I’ve already made an appointment with the doctor.  I’ve got an appointment with him in the morning.  I’m scheduled first thing at 9:00 o clock.  I want you to come with me.”  By her tone, I knew that she was letting me know that I was going with her.  Also, I realized that she was convinced that the worst had happened.

That was how it began for me.  I couldn’t have known that we were about to embark upon an 11-year journey of constant upheaval which would change everything about my life and even who I am.  I was young and stupid in those days.  Perhaps if I had realized exactly how important that moment had been, I would have also realized just how precious each moment would be with my family.  Life is so very fleeting.  Make the most of the moments you have.

Until my next thought
Jene