Half of Me

I’ve already mentioned this earlier, but I thought I would go into more detail.  When I lost my wife, I seemed to lose my own identity.  I no longer knew who I was.  It seems that when we become one with another person, we become a new person.  It is not an instant change.  We grow into these new personas over time. 

We don’t realize just how connected our identity is with our spouse, until suddenly they are not there.  It is like, in the instant we realize that our other half is gone, we are almost completely lost.  It isn’t just the mourning process.  It is the fact that quite literally, part of us is missing.  When we no longer have that oneness with us, we are simply no longer the same person we had been.  Without that connection, part of the personality that we developed in order to be with that person is gone.

I cannot describe well enough how dramatic this feeling is.  It is like suddenly being a bunch of paint in a pile on the canvas, instead of a clearly defined picture.  The ingredients may all still be there, but the application of those ingredients is completely different. 

When I found myself in this mess, it took a while to figure out why I was feeling so lost.  After figuring it out, it took more time to figure out who I was when I was not with her.  I had to redefine myself.  I had to figure out where I wanted to take my life and what I wanted to get out of it.

It was like starting life from scratch.  I felt the same as I did when I was a kid about to start college, while trying to decide what I should study and what kind of profession I should pursue.

Figuring out who I was and where I wanted to take my life, took a few months to do.  Once that was tentatively decided upon, I had to set goals.  Through the process of setting goals, (the things I truly wanted to do) I began to realize that I would become a better person, but not solely because I had set goals.  I would be different from who I was as a kid, and different from when I was with LeAnne. 

Moreover, I am married to another wonderful woman.  Debbie is helping to shape me, just as LeAnne did.  No doubt we will merge and become more than we have each been before.  She will affect me in ways that will improve me, as I reach for the goals that I have set for myself and she will also change.  She has many great qualities that I know will help inspire and influence many of my decisions.  Her excellent qualities will influence my life to be better in those areas.

Life is made up of a long chain of choice and consequences.  Normally when we make wise decisions, the consequences are good.  Since she has strong values and different approach to life, I can hardly help but enrich my life as I begin to meld my life with hers.

I guess the lesson here is, alone we are only so much.  When we are with someone for a long period of time, I am who I am, she is who she is, and together we are each much more.  There is an idiom that says “two heads are better than one.”  Steven Covey calls this Cinergy.  The sum of the individuals, become more than when they are separate.  One, plus one, equals three.

It is the same as the example of my friends that I spoke of before, (however, friends will never make as much difference as a spouse).

It seems to be a fact of life, when we alone, we are sad, lonely and only who we are when we are single.  When we are with someone, (friends or a spouse), we both find more purpose, happiness, and we are more than we have been.  We are us, plus so much more.

I hope these thoughts make sense and are helpful.

Until next time,

Jene