Friends

I have always been a shy person.  When I was young, I was so shy that unless people spoke to me, I didn’t talk to anyone.  It would usually take several months for me to warm up enough to speak at all.  As I got older, it became a problem.  I was too shy to ask questions in class, and I would avoid any new situation, which often limited me in every aspect of life.

Later in high school, I started palling around with a group of other guys with similar values.  A couple of these guys invited me to go to a movie with them.  I gave them a number of reasons why I couldn’t, but one of them would not take no for an answer.  They showed up at my house to get me, just as I was coming in from milking the cow.  It was during the winter, and if you know anything about cows, they will find the muckiest places to ly down.  Things get pretty mucky in the winter.  Washing the cows clean enough to milk them is hard work.

Needless to say, when I came in from milking, I was pretty messy.  I was pretty embarrassed.  Again I told them that I couldn’t go.  They stayed and waited while I rushed to shower and got ready to go anyway.  I don’t remember what movie it was, but I remember how I felt when they were so intent on including me.

After that, we did most everything together.  We (this whole group) became true friends.  In later years, we have each voiced how we each had worked hard to improve ourselves and do greater things, because we did not want to disappoint the others.  To me, these men saved my life in many different ways.  I have always been grateful for their efforts.  On the other hand, they have voiced the same to me.  I had no idea that I had influenced their lives as much as they had mine.

During these last 7 years, I have used that lesson to try to lift others.  I have not been disappointed at the outcome of any of the efforts I have made.  In lifting others, I find I cannot help but be lifted myself.  Just as I benefitted from the association with my friends, they too benefitted from associating with me.  It seems an eternal truth, we cannot serve someone else, without benefitting from it also.

I hope this thought will help to lift you.

Until my next post,

Jene

The Hermit

Soon after losing my spouse, I felt like hiding out.  I didn’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone, or listen to anyone.  I just wanted to be left alone.  There were several problems with my feelings.  I still had a young son at home, I had a business to run and I had other responsibilities.  Most people at the time seemed to understand that I might want to step back and take some time away.  It made it easy to drop out of my regular activities. 
On the other hand, as I said, I had responsibilities and I knew that I couldn’t let people down.  I had learned by painful experience that in life, if you really want something, there are things that just have to be done, even when we don’t want to do them.
When I was young, my family drank a lot of milk.  We had a couple of cows that supplied that milk.  I and my brothers were responsible for the cows.  My parents had taught me, that cows get milked even when it snows, blows and freezes outside.  They get milked, even when there are things more fun to do.  They get milked, even when we are feeling sick.  Of course these are not the only lessons that my parents taught me in this regard, but this was one of those lessons that stuck with me.
In my business pursuits, I had learned to deal with irate customers, working long hours, do jobs I hated, even when I had planned family vacations or other things that I would have preferred to have been doing while being self employed.
So, when I felt like disappearing into the woodwork because of my loss, true to the things I had been taught, I forced myself to keep doing.  At first I was just going through the motions, because I knew I should be doing it.  Then, because I kept doing it, I began to find that it wasn’t quite as hard as it had been.  Gradually, I began not to mind doing it.  Finally I even began to enjoy things again.  It took a long time to get that far, but once again I learned an important lesson.  I learned that getting something worthwhile, requires hard work and sometimes gut wrenching endurance.
This lesson is one that I have had to learn time and time again.  I’m just glad that the Lord hasn’t given up on me, though I think, I hope that He believes that I finally get that lesson, so we don’t have to repeat it too many more times.
If you are experiencing the same feelings I did, I hope you will find your way back easier.  If not, I hope these thought will help.

Until the next post,

Jene

Dog Care

Shortly after I married Debbie, I was still somewhat lost in a fog.  Deb had a golden retriever, and was putting in a lot of time in at work at her job in California.  I was still trying to sell my part of the business in Utah, so we were living apart.  She asked me to take her dog so he would get some attention.  The dog was a bit of a struggle for me at first.  He loved to go outside, but he wanted to be indoors a lot also.  His hair was a real problem.  My son and I were not use to having an indoor pet. 

At first it was bothersome to me when I would try to write, because the dog would come and lay on my feet.  He had the whole house to settle in, but he was insistent.  He seemed more comfortable covering my feet than anywhere else.  It didn’t matter what room I was in.  It didn’t take long before the dog laying on me feet became the norm for both of us.  It became comfortable to me.

He was a funny dog.  We soon found that if we lined a couple of 5 gallon water bottles up, we could fence him off from parts of the house that we didn’t want him to go.  He could easily squeeze past them, or jump over them, but he wouldn’t.  He was also a fruit nut.  I think he thought he was human.  If I ate something, he thought he should.  I would never feed him from the table.  I would always feed him the dog food except for the fruit.  Bananas and strawberries were his favorites.  I don’t know if those kinds of things are good for dogs or not, but he would go nuts to get them.

My son warmed to him and had fun with him also.  The dog was especially fun in the snow.  He loved it.  He would play all kinds of games in the snow.  However, letting him play in the snow had its price.  He would get wet.  That fact never seemed to bother him when I would try to write.  He would still come and lay on my feet, wet hair and all. 

As much as I complained about the stuff I didn’t like about him over the 5 years I had been around him, like the hair everywhere, the holes he dug everywhere, and the monstrous piles he left in the yard, etc. etc. etc., when he came up missing last year at Christmas time, I actually missed him very much.  (However, I didn’t miss the hair, the holes everywhere, or cleaning up his many messes.)

As I’ve thought about it, Reilly was a good companion.  He helped to dull the edge of loneliness and it helped to have a constant friend.  Since that experience I have seen several reports on how dogs help people, who are dealing with traumatic experiences.  I truly believe it.  I think they have a sense of our emotional states, and they really do have a calming effect.  Grand children have the same kind of effect upon me.

If you find yourself in a fog, you might try getting a dog.  Just be prepared for all the work and extra things that you will have to deal with.

Until the next time

Jene

Dealing With Discouragement

Near the beginning of our experience with LeAnne’s illness, we listened to a talk that gave us strength and courage.  There were a number of those kinds of talks given later, and each one was a strength to me.  However, this one was the first to resonate, and is still one I use to help me deal with things.  I suppose that you would say that it is a single arrow in a very full quiver that has helped me find happiness and meaning.

We all need help when we are faced with a traumatic experience like losing a spouse or someone significant in our lives.  One of the regrets that I have had since losing LeAnne, is the fact that I didn’t take my younger children and seek counseling together.  At the time, I thought we were okay.  I thought I was okay.

Though my youngest was only 11 at the time, he seemed to be a pillar of strength.  In truth, I suppose he was.  Yet, I don’t think that he was as strong as I imagined.  He was young and needed more support that I could give him.  He was not the only one who could have used help.  I can see that fact quite plainly now, but at the time, everyone seemed to be dealing with it well, and I was blinded by the fog of my own situation.

Fortunately, my son seems well adjusted, and though he has had many trials in his young life, he has grown to be a very fine young man.  Just as my daughters have grown to be fine young women.  They have all grown stronger over time.  We have all found our sources of comfort and strength.  I believe we have all found strength through God.

Here is a link to the talk that first seemed to prick my heart to give me comfort and strength.  I hope it will help you too.

www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/10/overcoming-discouragement

Jene

Acts of Service - Cookie Night

I had a few thoughts while talking with one of my daughters on the phone today. 

I was remembering back during those early days after losing LeAnne.  I remember the thick fog that seemed to cover my mind and the sleepless nights that I experienced.  I remember wondering if that was the way it would always be.  Then I listened to the ever quotable Neal A. Maxwell, who said that service was the key to lifting ones burdens.  At the time, I was ready to try anything that might help.

I searched for ways to serve, doing something that I knew I could do, under the load I felt I was under.  I thought about my married children.  I thought how difficult it might be for them to have a night to go out, without worrying about their little ones.  I wasn’t certain that I wanted to tend them. 

Just one of them could be a handful, but at the time, there were 4 living in the area.  I pondered it for a few days.  I decided that I would do it.  So I invited all the grand children to the house for cookie night.  I had excited little kids coming to grandpa’s house to bake cookies.  My son was not as enthused about it as I was trying to be.

When they came, I was suddenly afraid that I wouldn’t be able to do it.  Nevertheless, we did it.  We stirred up the dough and let the kids drop it out on the pans.  Some of the cookies were massive, and others were barely crumb sized.  We baked the cookies and watched videos.  They seemed to have a great time.  Even my son didn’t seem to dislike it all that much.  He actually seemed to have fun.

I don’t know if they really enjoyed it or not, but I know that it meant the world to me.  It took most of the night after they left to clean up, but I was suddenly looking forward to the next cookie night.  What a precious moment to have those little ones close to me, and to feel their bright spirits in my home. 

I learned that service truly does lighten the load.  It lifts the heart and just helps to make you feel good.  Besides brightening my day, it seemed to do the same for my grandchildren as well as my married daughters.  Yes, it will always be a precious memory for me.